10 years later.. :)

Hisashiburi!

It's been 10 years since I last updated this blog.  Thank you Blogspot for keeping this little space for me.  I was reading all my entries and I couldn't help but laugh! Fuck! It feels weird to read my own thoughts 10 years later.  I know, I was young back then, but it made me laugh soo hard I almost fell off my bed.

To start off, I'm married now.  I ended up with Bernard, the 2nd lead in my own little drama, hahaha!  I have two, cute little boys, (they're twins, btw) who are both sleeping peacefully beside me, while the hubs is working at the office. Still a fangirl and currently in love wth this local LT. :).

It has been a bumpy 10 years but, yep, I'm still here, alive and hopeful of what this life has in store for me and my family.  I still get depressed at times.  Crazy as it may sound, I get depressed because of my current loves, local LT.  I hope I can move on from being a fan girl, it's nt easy being one.  I need help, like serious help from professionals.  So, to anyone who's reading this, can you please help me?  I need some motivation, a massive push for me to get on with my life.


 

cloudburst

days. weeks. months.

i cant remember the last time i wrote something, at least, about my life.. what's ironic is that a lot of things has happened, most of them caused me heart break that i'd rather not remember. maybe, this is the reason why i havent been up to it. maybe, i just want to forget the bad times.

but right now, im too hurt to forget. i want to write it all down, just to release the pain. para gumaan lang feelings ko.

bottom line is, i gues i have reached the end. ewan ko ba. ayoko mngyri but slowly, im losing it. myke and i are losing the thing that we found 4 years ago. i duno what happened. i guess we've grown apart. and that is what pains me.

im not ready to lose him yet.

i dont think he is ready too.

hope our love is strong enough to survive this.

I was born to love you

This guy stole my heart..(",)

friend or foe

Weeks had passed.

Can't say im happy now, but im hapier compared to the last time i updated this blog.=)

Myke and I are back to doing what we used to. Feeling ko, these past few days na ngtatampo ako saknya, ngttampo rin sya saken..I think he knows about my secret, cguro ramdam din nya, im just not sure. Ayoko ng isipin pa yun. The important thing is, mejo okay nako ngaun.. GUsto ko na ulit mabuhay.=)

Work's good. my salary is better, though di pa rin ako nakapagipon, the good thing is I am able to buy what i want, at least kahit pano.

I am doing okay these days except for one thing, my sama ako ng loob sa friend ko, si daphne. Pano naman, one time, ngkausap kame ni gelai and i learned from her na kung ano ano pala siansabi nung taong yun about me pag wala ako. Kya pala, napansin ko sakanya my days na hindi nya ako pinpansin. So, what i did, nung sinabi saken ni gelai yun, sinabi ko na rin sakanya ang mga sinsabi ni daphne about her, kaya nagalit rin sya. Grabe, i thought i knew her, hindi pala. Ngtataka ako bakit nagkaganon sya, dati ang bait naman nya. Ngaun nalang sya nging ganyan. I think it's becoz of her marriage life. Nakipaghiwalay na kasi sya sa asawa nya, ngkaproblema sila tapos, she didnt want to work things out with her husband. Kahit i deny nya, i knw what her reason is, dahil may ka-chat sya ngaun, i mean bf nya sa chat na taga-canada. I dont wanna judge her or something, kaya lang kahit sabihin nya na hindi yun ang reason kung bakit ayaw na nya balikan ang asawa na ( na lagi syang sinusundo sa opisina at inaaway pa nya), it's becoz of her new bf, i know it kasi nabasa ko mga msgs sakanya sa txt (bad ko!=)) .

Aside from the rift between my friend and me, okay nako.

Sana wala ng duamting na prob samen ni Myke.

Sana maayos na namen to, sana mapatawad ko na friend ko ( friend ko nga ba sya?) kahit na alam ko na kung ano sya pag di nya ako ksama.

Sana tuloy-tuloy na 'to.

Pagod nako sa mga problema eh.=)

Sa susunod ulit!

p r i d e

ive been hurt so many times, but this is the worst heartbreak ive ever had.

i miss someone right now, someone i love dearly, but i don't think he misses me the same way.

sayang, we celebrated our 4th year anniversary pa naman, but eversince, i felt the change in him.parang cold na sya saken, i dunno why..ang hirap pala.. i thought im gonna be happy na, hindi pa pala. di ko alam bakit nangyayari to samen, i always pray for us to be together, pero natatakot ako. Dahil ngaun, hindi ko na alam kung anong mangyayari samen.

im hurt, wanna die na.

sana naman, maalala moko, bago pako mawala sa buhay mo.

April's fool

I'm having one of the best weeks of my life. Things are going well with me these days. Wala nako syado reklamo with Myke kasi kahit pano nagkkita na kame ngaun unlyk before, yun nga lang di na kasing dalas, and parang napansin ko din na may pagbabago sakanya. But inspite of these, im doing good. Regular na kasi ulit ang work namen, hindi na every other day kaya lahat kame sa ofis masaya..Sana tuloy tuloy na 'to...=)


Kahit na mejo may angst pa rin sa puso ko, may sadness na hindi ko ma-explain at hindi nawawwala kahit pa anjan mga friends ko, i try to ignore it nalang. Ewan ko ba, sometimes I can't help but doubt Myke's love for me. Kasi, nagbago na sya in some way, di ko lang ma-explain kung pano. Minsan feeling ko parang nagsisinungaling sya saken, pero pag confirm ko naman, hindi naman pala. Maybe it's just ME. Ako siguro yun..Natatakot sa sarili kong multo, hinahabol na kasi ako eh. Minsan, gusto ko ng umiwas dun, pero hindi ko mapigil dahil na rin kay Myke, pakiramdam ko kasi hindi na nya ako mahal. Di na kasi sya text or kol, di tulad dati. Sabi ng friends ko masyado na daw kampante si Myke, pero hindi ko naman matiis na hindi sya hanapin kasi nagaalala ako saknya. Sana nman maisip nya yun. Sana naman, kung ano man ang problema namen, maayos namen. Pakiramdam ko kasi meron, kahit hindi nya sinsasabi, feeling ko may something na kulang, something that we lost. This makes me sad.


I don't know if this is right, but i am constantly looking for that SOMETHING, be it sa email nya or sa friendster, pero wala akong makita. Kaya siguro ako natatakot dahil wala akong makita.


Magaling lang ba syang magtago o dahil wala naman talaga?


Wish ko ngaun, matapos ko na ang mga dapat kong ayusin. I have to be ready, natatakot kasi ako na baka mawala sya at maiwan akong mag-isa. Na baka way nya 'to para magpaalam, unti-unti umiiwas sya dahil hindi nya kaya sabihin saken na may mahal na syang iba ( kapag nangyari 'to, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko), but I know in my heart na hindi gagawin ni Myke yun, cguro, fears lang to galing sa past ko. Sana nga.. I came from a dysfunctional family.. Although nagiisa lang akong anak, dumating yung point sa buhay namen na nagkaroon ng iba ang papa ko. This is the reason why i learned those bad stuffs. Pero wala akong pinagsisisihan. I treasure every moment na nalasing ako, umiyak, tumawa, nagdrama, nagwalk-out, napikon, at marami pang kabaliwan na nagawa ko dahil sa probLema. I know, tao lang ako, maraming pagkakamali, pero these are the things that make me strong. I learned a lot from this life, and i know marami pang darating.. Sana makayanan ko lahat.


Peace, Love and Hapiness!=)

wedding jitters

Three days from now, my friend is getting married.

I'm wondering how she's feeling.

Maybe she's excited or maybe not.

Last week kasi, di sya excited when i asked her.

Parang wala lang daw, tama ba naman yun.

But im happy, becoz Myke is coming with me on her wedding day.

Di rin sya nakatiis, he wouldn't let me travel ng di sya kasama.

Hay! maybe i should thank menchie.

If not for her wedding,

di kame magkakabati ni Myke.

LAst sunday kasi, when he went to our house, that's how our conversation started.

Masaya nako ulit ngaun, at least kahit pano, tumatawag na ulit si Myke dito sa ofis.

Sabi ng ate ko, i should understand his job, demanding kasi ang work nya and it takes almost all of his tym. Alam ko naman yun, maybe, nagiinarte lang ako.

I just need to be affirmed sometimes.

Now, i don't have reason para uminom, pero bakit ganon, miss ko ang alak?

I'll try not to think about it na lang.

Nga pala, Wednesday ngaun, Baclaran day.

sa susunod ulit!=)